As I prepare to go to my OB tomorrow I can't help but think about what I initially made this appointment for. I was approaching the end of my first trimester and was ready to get started on my visits to check on my new baby. Unfortunately I am now using that appointment for a follow up visit from having a D&C last Friday. If my blog was public I wouldn't be talking about this, but since I know everyone that reads this, I feel comfortable sharing. I actually think it will help me to express my thoughts and feelings.
I started having some bleeding and cramping last Thursday evening so we went to the ER where they did some tests and an ultrasound. They sent us home with a "wait and see" diagnosis since they weren't sure if I was losing the baby or not. However, after going to the restroom the next morning, I knew I lost the baby. I called my doctor, who was going to call me anyway as a follow up from the ER. I told him what was happening and he told me what he found from the ultrasound at the ER. We had definitely lost the baby and had to decide what to do next. After some thought and prayer we decided to do a D&C.
Everything went well with the D&C. My doctor was so kind. We were home a few hours later. Before the procedure and that evening, I was sad, but felt unusually calm and okay. Saturday was a different story. I stayed in bed most of the day, not because I felt bad physically, but because I couldn't get myself to get up. Jon's family came over to visit in the afternoon and I didn't even come down to say hello for at least 1/2 hour. Jon and I decided to go out to dinner while his family watched the kids. Maybe getting out of the house would make me feel better. It didn't. We came home right after dinner. I sobbed the rest of the night. Jon didn't know what to do for me. At one point he was holding me and trying to comfort me and I just screamed at him "We lost a baby and you don't even care! You don't even care!" He didn't deserve it. He was there for me through all of this and was so nice and sensitive to what I needed. He just shows emotions different. I was throwing all my built up pain and sorrow at him. I haven't felt that elephant on my chest, throat closing in feeling since my mom passed away.
I am doing better and the sadness comes and goes. On Tuesday we were heading to Costco and I started to cry. Shawn asked me why I had tears and I told him I was sad about the baby. He said, "Don't think about sad things Mom. I am sad about our little baby dying too, but it's okay, our little baby is in heaven. We will get another little baby, it will just take a lot more days." Then he went right back to teasing Evan. That little boy was inspired to say what I needed to hear.
My neighbor down the street recently bought the new book by Stephanie Neilsen. She's an LDS woman who was severely burned in a plane crash. The book tells her story and talks about how she came through that major trial. Anyway, my neighbor dropped it off the day before all this happened because I had asked her if i could borrow it. It was perfect timing. Reading Stephanie's hardships and struggles really put things into perspective for me and made me very grateful for the blessings and life that I have.
I have definitely learned a lot from this experience. I treasure my boys more. When they are driving me crazy I remind myself how lucky I am to have them. I have learned things never to say to someone that has had a miscarriage. I have learned that dropping off flowers, a card, a treat, a meal means so much and is better (at least for me) than trying to say the right things. I have also learned how much this happens. I knew that miscarriages were pretty common, but I am honestly shocked at how many women have told me they lost one or several to miscarriages. I had no idea. It is awful.
I am so thankful for the amazing support and love I have felt from my family, neighbors and friends. I have such great people in my life. Thank You!